you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
