Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
