Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
