Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
