He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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