Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
