I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.