it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.