oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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