i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize