Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
