Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
