My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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