Duck Duck Cougar?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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