I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
