I can text with my tongue
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
