Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
