i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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