My hand turned me down
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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