if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
