Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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