what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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