I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
