Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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