made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
