My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
