i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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