I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
