In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
