That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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