Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
