The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
