I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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