I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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