Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
