Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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