Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
