I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
