I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
