She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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