Where did you get a picture of my penis
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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