apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
