I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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