It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
