I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
