I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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