Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
