it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
zippers are such a cool invention
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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