my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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