you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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