i jhust puked up my retainher.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
