You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
