i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
