I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
