My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
