i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
