Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
