Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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