One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's always time for handjobs
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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