I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
