I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
