Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
