She is in my trunk
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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