does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
