She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
