can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
